10 Amazing Animals Discovered in past
The era of discovery has ended. We’ve charted every corner
of the planet, explored its deepest jungles and its highest mountains and, with
each year, it becomes more abundantly clear that there just aren’t any freaking dragons out
there, man. I think we’ve been cheated!
Though
to be fair, we did find a handful of new and real animals in the process, some
even as recently as this year. Unfortunately, none of them breathe fire
and soar majestically in the sky above, terrorizing local villages, but many of
these newly uncovered animals are still pretty gosh darn amazing this is very dangerous . Take for example
10. The “Horror” Wasp
Discovered
in: 2011
The
above monstrosity was officially discovered during an expedition to the
Indonesian island of Sulawesi, but it has been observed before… in the
nightmares of the criminally insane. The specimen in the picture is a
male of the newly-classified Megalara Garuda species of wasp,
named after the mythical half-man, half-bird warrior Garuda, the national
symbol of Indonesia. It’s also known as the “King of Wasps,” “Warrior
Wasp” or the “Komodo Dragon of the Wasp Family.” Personally I like to
call it “the definite proof that, yes, Satan does exist and he’s coming for all of
us.”
It’s
not simply the fact that the Garuda wasp reaches 2.5” in length or the fact
that its powerful jaws are so huge they wrap around its head while closed and
are longer than the bug’s legs while opened. All of that is definitely a
huge part of this insect’s horror-tude, but what really gets me is the fact
that scientists speculate that the wasp evolved those powerful jaws to hold the
females down while it does its dirty business to them. So, basically,
it’s a flying monster rapist.
9. The “Ninja” Frog
Discovered
in: 2011
Take a
look at this frog. Is it any different than every single frog you’ve ever
seen? Does it make you rethink your preconceptions about the very idea of
“discovery”? Do you even care? If yo1u answered “no” to the
previous questions, then congrats; you are notone of the
researchers who have tested the DNA of the above frog and discovered that it’s
a totally new species which lives in New York.
Yes, it
turns out that a totally new species of amphibians was hiding underneath our
noses this entire time. It all started when a very bored, or possibly
very crazy, person noticed that “leopard frogs” from around Staten Island and
the Bronx had a sort of different croak than the rest of their brethren.
A few tests later and viola, scientists were ready to call the little
hopping bastard a new species. Currently they are studying the frogs further to
properly name them but, given their incredibly unlikely habitat in which they
survived God knows how long, I propose we name them “F***ing Miracle Frogs.”
That or the “New Croak Knicks,” I haven’t made up my mind.
8. The “Micro” Chameleon
Discovered
in: 2012
No, the
picture you’re seeing is neither Photoshopped nor manipulated in any way.
It is, however, adorable. The Little Reptile That Could up there is
a species of chameleon named Brookesia micra, and it was discovered
on the island of Madagascar just this year. It is currently the smallest
known chameleon in the world – measuring at just 0.63 inches without the tail,
small enough to stand comfortably atop of a match head. Its small size is
probably due toinsular dwarfism, i.e. what happens when an animal
reproduces in an environment with limited food or a large number of predators.
Unfortunately,
their most dangerous predator today might be that crafty sonamagun known as
Man, who threatens the micro chameleons’ habitat with illegal logging. I
propose we save the species by starting an aggressive campaign that will
popularize these reptiles as pets. We can keep them by the hundreds in
huge terrariums, and pretend it’s a real-life version of SimCity.
7. The “Joker” Crab
Discovered
in: 2012
The
Filipino island of Palawan is a beautiful place full of enchanting beaches and majestic
animals, but to zoologists it’s known simply as “JACKPOT! *cha-ching cha-ching
cha-ching*”
About
half of all the species found on the island cannot be found anywhere else on
the planet, including the above stylish crab, scientific name Insulamon
palawanese. Obviously it has earned its place on the list by bearing
a slight resemblance to the comic book supervillain Joker (why
yes, my virginity is doing great, thanks for asking) but there were also other
factors involved, like how we’ve just discovered the damned thing and it’s
already endangered due to mining projects going on at Palawan. I’m still
undecided whether that’s1 ironic or just really, really sad (maybe both).
6. The “Crime-Fighting” Gecko
Discovered
in: 2011
While
we’re on the subject of newly discovered animals which sort of resemble comic
book characters (aren’t you tired of constantly hearing about those?), take a
look at this newly discovered species of gecko from Vietnam.
The Cnemaspis
psychedelica gecko, or “Psychedelic Gecko”
is currently found only on the small island of Hon Khoai and so named because
of its bright orange coloration. But when you think “psychedelic” do you
think about sorta-bright orange and dull, pastel purple? Of course not.
And because the gecko’s orange spots totally look like superhero gloves
and boots, I still say my name for it is way better than what the so called
“scientists” came up with. I should do this animal-naming thing
professionally. Someone get me the number of the president of Animal
Science!
5. The “Stabbing” Shark
Discovered
in: 2011
A
combination of both shark and saw must be the greatest example of overkill
since the shrapnel A-bomb, and yet sawsharks are a thing that ACTUALLY EXISTS.
Fortunately, Mother Earth had a smidgen of consideration for humans who
might want to, one day, feel safe enough to actually go into the water, so she
made sure there weren’t that many sawsharks around to begin with…or so we
thought.
In
2011, the African Dwarf Sawshark (Pristiophorus nancyae) pictured
above was accidentally captured in a 1600-foot-deep trawling net off the coast
of Mozambique, bringing the total number of sawshark species worldwide to
seven. Man, I could have handled six of those monsters but seven is… just
wrong for some reason.
Here’s
a funny thing about the shark – due to its small size and aggressiveness it’s
basically the Joe Pesci of
the fish world. It usually hunts by blindly charging into schools of
fish, stabbing a few at random with its sword nose, and then returning to feast
on the casualties. Wait, did I say “funny”? I, of course, meant
“terrifying.”
4. The “Yoda” Bat
Discovered
in: 2009
They
say we’re living in the Age of the Geek, and there’s no better proof of that
than the fact women no longer mace me in the face when I tell them I have a
comic book collection. The second best proof of this modern trend is the
fact that serious journalists worldwide saw the above picture of a flying orc
rat and their minds immediately went to Star Wars. Thus – the Yoda Bat,
a name I seriously did not make up.
This
little guy is actually called a tube-nosed fruit bat, and he was discovered in
the secluded forests of Papua New Guinea. The new species doesn’t have a
name yet and it’s unlikely that real scientists—i.e. people who didn’t
piddle away their childhoods, adolescent years and adulthood obsessing over pop
culture—will cave and actually name it the Yoda Bat. Seriously, Yoda was
green, people. Come on!
3. The “Yeti” Crab
Discovered
in: 2005
Often
mistakenly referred to as the “furry lobster”
(a name which, no matter how hard I try to reason with myself, sounds
incredibly dirty) the “Yeti crab”, or Kiwa hirsute, is named
so for its silky blonde hair-like thingies growing on the crustaceans claws.
Although
it definitely looks freaky, the “Yeti” crab might possibly be one of the more
complex crustaceans we’ve ever encountered. See, some scientists believe
that the crab might actually “farm” certain types of bacteria on its hairy
pincers and then either use them to detoxify dangerous minerals from the
deep-sea waters it inhabits, or eat them. That’s right, we’re possibly
dealing with a scientifically-inclined “mutant” member of a previously
unremarkable species, which is also covered in hair. Basically, in
keeping with the total-nerd theme we seem to be establishing in this article,
this is the crab version of Beast from X-Men.
2. The “Matilda” Viper
Discovered
in: 2010
Matilda’s
Horned Viper is one the few new snakes discovered in Africa (Tanzania in this
case) in the last 30 years, which is weird considering that it totally looks
like a cartoon character.
The
yellow-green-black slithering bastard with two horns protruding from its head
can grow up to 65 centimeters or bigger, and is believed to be venomous.
Considering that it resembles a pet which Satan would keep in a locked,
underwater safe, I’d say that’s a pretty accurate guess by the researchers
who’ve discovered it, though there are many ways to make absolutely sure. Did
you know that homeless people are REALLY desperate for cash?
Scientists
do claim that the snake is very calm and not at all aggressive. This
calms me down none; it simply proves that it this thing is both murderous AND
crafty.
But the
weirdest part of this newly discovered animal is that it’s been named…after a
7-year-old girl named Matilda.
No, thankfully the girl wasn’t its first documented victim, but rather
the daughter of one of the researchers who discovered the snake. I’d say
that naming a scaly, slimy, horny snake after a small girl isn’t really the
best idea, but hey, the guy’s already named his daughter “Matilda.” Not
like he was parent of the year material anyway.
1. The “Michael Jackson”
Monkey 1
Discovered
in: 2010
The
Myanmar Snub-nosed Monkey (Rhinopithecus strykeri) isn’t totally a new
species, as it’s been known by some Myanmar locals for some time now, but
unless it’s discovered, climbed or invented by a white guy, it apparently
doesn’t count. Snub-nosed monkeys aren’t exactly unknown to science, but
apparently no species before ever came close to anything like Snubby over here.
His nose is so snubbed it doesn’t even deserve that name.
Incidentally, it also causes the monkey to sneeze uncontrollably whenever
it rains.
If
you’ve thought that that last part was adorable just stop reading now, cause
it’s going to get pretty sad soon. Seriously, go. No? OK
then. The first contact on records that scientists had with the Myanmar
Snub-nosed Monkey came from examining the skull and skin of a gutted male of
the species… which was eaten by hunters. Unfortunately, the local demand
for monkey meat is one of the main reasons why this newly discovered funky
monkey is already considered endangered – it apparently tastes THAT good.
And after evolution went to all that trouble to make it look as unappetizing as
possible…
wow
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